The Mushroom Shaped Wooden Garlic Masher

I’m not much of a cook. Eating is merely a necessary evil in my house. I admit there are a few things I make that are out-of- this-world tasty. The creamy chicken recipe I found off the internet and the salmon with thyme seasoning and tangy sauce I pulled out of magazine make my mouth water. Otherwise I douse things with butter and garlic. My food is edible at least. Joe doesn’t complain. He is a peanut butter and jelly kind a guy which probably explains why he married me.

When I was visiting in Texas a few months ago my “gourmet” friend... the one who won’t eat at my house and shows up with groceries in hand so she can do the cooking....put me to work in her kitchen making the same old delicious “chicken thingy” I’ve eaten at her hand for the last 20 years. When we were cooking I learned that I had been using the wrong cheese all these years. “Not THAT WHITE cheese... the OTHER WHITE cheese!” Geez! I thought it was me. Then in her motherly way she reassured me that her sister, too, calls each and every time she makes the “chicken thingy” to find out WHICH WHITE cheese is it again? Now, at least, I know why mine never turns out as good as hers. This, however, is all besides the point because what I really want to talk about is the fact that they don’t love it like I do.

What is it? You ask. What don’t they love like you do?

The mushroom shaped wooden garlic masher.

The mushroom shaped wooden garlic masher was inspiration. I’m guessing my gourmet friend has owned hers for years. I may have even used it before while under her tutelage or direction, but it was on this recent occasion that it made an impression. I was in charge of the garlic mashing on the night we cooked in Texas and I got to use the mushroom shaped wooden garlic masher. My life will never be the same.

You grab this mushroom shaped wooden thingy and whamo! It’s great. The skin of the garlic falls off. With your fingers you can successfully peel the skin and with a few finishing slices, you have “pressed” garlic. You can entertain with confidence knowing your guests won’t fall prey to unwanted chunks of this biting bulb as they savor the gentle aroma of sweet and spicy garlic. It’s so fine. It’s pureed. It’s beautiful.

Please don’t try to sell me on any other garlic gadget. I’m not interested. I’ve tried a few. The tools I invariably choose are my faithful henckel knife and my very own fingertips. It saves me the trouble of scraping out papery garlic leftovers from hopelessly ineffective gadgets. No, the mushroom shaped wooden garlic masher is what I want. It is what I need.

In my hunt to find the mushroom shaped wooden garlic masher, which my gourmet friend seems to have owned for years, I hit a lot of googley dead-ends. Eventually, I found it mentioned in blogs among the “useless” tools in the recesses of many cook’s kitchen drawers. The audacity! Can you imagine? I want this thing! They must not be able to appreciate the beauty and simplicity of the mushroom shaped wooden garlic masher.. They are short-sighted and they are really missing out. They just don’t love it like I do. Do you think someone would mail theirs to me? Should I send a note to someone I don’t know and ask them for their tool? Maybe they’ll trade me for my useless plastic egg poacher or my useless cheese slicer or better yet, my very useless garlic press whose packaging promised “no more tedious peeling”? Maybe we should have a Bloggers Garage Sale? Would that work?

In case it doesn’t, I have found one source for my mushroom shaped wooden garlic masher but it’s in Britain somewhere. I’m sure I can work my way through the red tape of currency systems, but it would be a lot easier to buy one on this side of the world. Does anyone know where I might find one of these? Does someone have one stuck in their drawer they’d be willing to donate to a cook who doesn’t like to cook except when cooking garlic? Will someone help me find a way to own the one cooking utensil I really want? The mushroom shaped wooden garlic masher will surely make me happy and if it doesn’t, at least I will be one person who is sure to use it and will love it!